


the grass is dead and barren

by niebieskameliska



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Wordcount: 100-1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24378139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niebieskameliska/pseuds/niebieskameliska
Summary: I'm scarred with cruel intentions.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Kitagawa Yusuke
Comments: 12
Kudos: 64





	the grass is dead and barren

**Author's Note:**

>   * **please heed the warnings in tags!!! this fic contains a semi-graphic discussion of sexual assault and several mentions of child abuse, so consider your headspace before reading**
>   * beta by sparrie @ikuzonos and warren (@baokki on tumblr), thank you
> 


"He said that I deserved the stuff he made me do."

Twin tails of smoke sliding through the night air, cool and humid. Last words of a horrid story, quiet city noises muffled by the distance, just a barely audible buzz of ongoing life. The ambience of the empty park they broke into. There should be beauty, light and domestic,  _ watercolors, _ in this scene, but there is only silent horror. There is no place for art here.

Pulling his knees to his chest, Yusuke glances at Goro. Just a few centimeters away on the bench, but his eyes so  _ distant, _ looking at the summer-green trees but not seeing anything. His lip is trembling.

"Was it Shido?" Yusuke asks, gets a curt nod as a reply. He grimaces. "Asshole."

"Don't worry," Goro says lightly. "It's been years since he last saw me, not to mention him... using me." His voice cracks, and Yusuke wishes he knew what to say, but he can't begin to  _ fathom _ what would be proper in this situation. In its atmosphere, deceivingly easy yet laced with an undercurrent of tension, words fail him. And — and  _ this. _ Yusuke wishes he could beat the life out of that Shido bastard, but would it even change anything? Would that give Goro the good father he should have had from the very beginning?

Silence falls, blankets them. After a moment of thoughtful staring at the pavement, Yusuke once again looks at Goro. His eyes are drawn to a few details, as if the other man was a painting; he notices Goro's slim fingers wrapped around the lighter, the thoughtful frown curling his lips, the way his back is held ramrod straight. Yusuke notices all of this, but his words stay stuck in his throat, like a ball of barbed wire or decaying meat. His mouth tastes of nicotine and iron.

In the end, it is Goro who speaks up.

"Sometimes I can still feel his hands on me." He barks out a short, sad laugh. "I can still remember how he— how he fucking  _ smelled. _ Or tasted. Or how, after he had his fun, my body hurt for days and days. I can recall that pain very well. And all that time, I  _ knew _ who he was to me." He locks his eyes with Yusuke — and smiles, as fake as a plastic doll. Crow wears masks in the reality too. "So I suppose I'm not as over this as I thought. For the past few days, I just, I couldn't  _ stop _ thinking about it. And holding all of this shit in, not able to vent, can get tiring."

"I'm sorry," Yusuke whispers. "I— This is a foul thing that should not have happened to you."

"Perhaps," Goro says mildly, putting out his cigarette. "By the way, you're the first person who heard this, so. Thanks, I guess, for listening."

"Thank you for telling me." Looking at his lap, Yusuke realizes his hands are shaking. 

This whole scene feels surreal. A phone call in the middle of the night, a request, a park they broke into, the lightness of words which weigh like an entire world, cigarettes and moving on and being older than they thought they ever could be. Emotions and thoughts spiral in his thoughts, until Yusuke lets them escape with a single question.

"Do you want me to hold your hand?" 

Goro blinks at that, clearly surprised, then murmurs, "That's surprising, that I do." He turns towards Yusuke and gingerly raises his bare hand. Yusuke grabs it, intertwines their fingers. He holds on gently, soft skin on calloused skin. After a while, it feels pleasantly warm, as if they were holding a firefly.

"I'm glad you're here," Yusuke says. Goro smiles again. It's tired, but it's alive this time.

"I'm glad I'm here too." He shakes their hands a little, then exhales and says, "He used me. And he never will do so again, because he is going to rot in prison." He shuffles closer until his shoulder touches Yusuke's. "And I hope you realize that it's the same for you too."

"I…" Yusuke's throat feels tight, suddenly. "I haven't exactly experienced what you did." 

Goro pulls his hand away; for a moment, Yusuke worries he said something wrong, then sees the sorrow. Underneath it, there's understanding, and Yusuke realizes that Goro knows about things never mentioned. Never discussed.

(It's been years. He has been thinking about it less and less, about the angry hands and cutting words. Besides — it wasn't that bad. Right? At least it was  _ only _ that.)

"Yusuke, you idiot," Goro says, saccharine sweet, "do you think I don't know the signs of past physical and emotional abuse? I fucking worked with the police, after all." He finds Yusuke's hand again, and his fingers are soft and warm against Yusuke's skin. 

"It wasn't that bad." Familiar words, yet they feel strange in his mouth. "I am doing much better now."

"It still fucked you up. Just like it fucked me up, just in a different way." Goro chuckles to himself. "God, I cannot believe Joker recruited so many people with shitty fathers. You, Sakamoto, me…"

"Everyone did go through unpleasant events," Yusuke says, happy his voice didn't shake this time. He breathes in deeply, then adds awkwardly, "Don't worry, things truly are working out for me. And, well, I'm glad you decided to contact me to entrust with so much burden you have been carrying."

"Yes, well." Goro, shaking his head, offers him a cigarette which Yusuke accepts. "I suppose you are one of my most reliable companions, so there shouldn't be an issue."

"There won't."

Smoke raises again, smoothly cuts through the darkness of the park. Yusuke holds onto Goro's fingers, awaiting the sunrise. 

**Author's Note:**

> a/n
> 
>   * comment/kudo if you read/liked, that'd mean a lot
>   * title and summary from ex;re's romance. that song can also be a bit triggering, so be careful before listening
>   * this fic was not written, it was basically puked out. when the trauma hits :grimace:
>   * my socials are all @soniagiris, swing by if you feel like it!
> 



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